I recently met a wealth manager named Amy who had that very reaction.  She asked me why I thought that made her lucky instead of cursed.  I invited her to join me for lunch later that week and promised she’d see what I meant.

She and I met at a local restaurant for lunch with a lawyer, a banker, and an accountant – I know it sounds like the opening to a bad joke or, perhaps, the most boring lunch you can imagine depending on your perspective (and no we hadn’t just walked into a bar!) but keep reading.

The four of us first met as the team of professionals involved in helping our mutual client, Jeremy, sell his business and we have continued to meet for lunch or a drink every other month since then, even though Jeremy’s sale has long-since successfully concluded.  Amy was surprised to learn that it’s an appointment each of us keeps, no matter what else might try to intrude into our calendars.  She wondered why we continue to invest this kind of regular time with each other even when we’re not working on a current deal together.

Here’s what we told her.

“Amy, remember when I told you that you’re lucky if you’re spending half your time as a part-time psychologist with your clients?” I asked.

“Sure,” she replied, “but I can’t imagine why you think that makes me lucky.”

One of the others pointed out that, in every single deal he’s ever been involved in, he realized someone was playing that role of “therapist” and, most often was someone who resented it and wished the business owner would “just get a grip on their emotions” and “act rationally.”

“The reason Denise says you’re lucky if you’re the person the owner has chosen to bring their emotions to is it means you’re the person they feel most safe with in the deal. It means that the other professionals AREN’T making the owner feel safe enough to let down their guard and share with them what’s really going on inside,” my banker friend said.

“That’s right,” continued one of the others.  “Once I realized that I was the one person the owner felt safe with, I recognized it was an honor, not a burden.  But, I also realized that with that honor came a greater sense of responsibility.  If they were trusting me with their emotions, I knew I needed to dial up my own understanding about how I could help them better.  I began to look for ways to bring even more of that sense of emotional safety into the relationships I built with my clients.”

My banker friend added, between bites of his burger, “That’s right, while it started when Denise pointed it out in this deal with Jeremy, once I caught on, it happened for me in other deals, too.  Clients started to tell me what was really going on under the surface for them, instead of making stupid moves and unrealistic demands.  I began to see how much easier it is to solve the issues that used to cause things to inexplicably unravel at the eleventh hour and I started closing more deals.”

Amy said she thought that made sense but that she was worried she wouldn’t know how to handle it if her clients started to get too emotional.  Several of the others admitted that, at first, they were worried about that, too.  But that it got easier with practice and as they continued to learn more skillful ways to show up for their clients.  Especially as the other professionals in Jeremy’s deal were also learning these skills.  They each started to notice that Jeremy was sharing more openly with all of them and not just dumping all of his emotion on one person in the transaction. They didn’t have to wonder what was going on and the chaos and drama they’d been used to virtually vanished and everything got easier.

I told Amy how we had used, an intimate conversational-style dinner event, with Jeremy when we wanted to deepen his sense of connection and trust with the deal team.  We talked about how it created the conditions for psychological safety and how it transformed Jeremy’s relationship with us and ours with each other.

One of them shared that, although his partners had initially thought this approach was a bunch of hooey, as they learned more about what creating emotional safety for their clients meant, they realized that their clients actually seemed to crave that kind of deeper connection with them.  They started to see that the deals which had inexplicably fallen apart before had signs which now seemed obvious and fixable.

“Who knew,” I added, “such simple things could help clients bond to us and bring us into the fold as their most trusted advisors, the ones they come to early when they’re considering selling their business.”

Amy shared that she had been caught off guard a couple of times in the past year when clients of hers had sold their businesses and she only learned of it when the client was moving their accounts to a new wealth management firm.  She wondered whether some of these tools and experiences could help her strengthen the bond with some of her own clients.

Over the rest of lunch, we talked with Amy about the different ways we had learned to build trust with each other and with our clients and how it had radically changed each of our businesses.  She seemed especially interested in exploring whether she and her partners could learn how to do this with their own clients and the referral partners she had been trying to cultivate relationships with.

Lest you think we’re just a bunch of lazy bums with nothing else to do but lounge around over lunch or drinks, let me assure you that each of us have busy professional and personal lives, but we’ve seen just how important it is to create the ideal conditions for psychological safety and unshakeable trust for our clients and each other.

Our commitment to our client Jeremy in that deal ad beyond it has been to deepen our respect and rapport so that we can collectively be the safest nest for our clients in the future as we help them weather one of the most challenging transitions in their lives.

Guess what, since that lunch, two of the five of us are already engaged in a relationship with a new client together and that client is already sharing the kind of information that shows us he feels safe.  And every one of us is confident that this deal will close with ease.  As it should when an owner is surrounded by professionals who care about their client and each other

Most Advisors don’t believe me when I share they can
consistently close more deals with ease.

Then, they experience it for themselves.

Once you experience an inbox full of referrals and both you and your sellers expect a trustworthy sale process…you never go back to seeing the work as a numbers game.

Want to learn more about how YOU can find this same success with your clients and referral partners? 

Reach out – I’d love to show you how.

The Legacy Dinner is an intimate, conversational-style dinner event that helps you connect with your circles of influence and clients. Learn more about how best to utilize it for your business.

The post Do You Want to Know What’s REALLY Going on With Your Clients? appeared first on Denise Logan.

***

CLOSING THE BOOK ON 2021

1. What did I embrace in 2021?
2. What did I let go of in 2021?
3. What changed for me in 2021?
4. What did I discover about myself in 2021?
5. What was I most grateful for in 2021?
6. When did fear hold me back in 2021?
7. Where did I demonstrate courage in 2021?
8. What surprised me in 2021?
9. What made me smile in 2021?
10. What were my 3 most significant accomplishments in 2021? For each, list the following:
    1. The skills that helped me to make it happen
    2. How my life changed because of it
    3. What I learned about myself
    4. How did I celebrate/acknowledge (or, if I didn’t, how can I do it for future accomplishments)
11. What were my 3 most significant challenges in 2021? There may be more than 3, use the ones that come to mind first.  They may have tested my limits, my patience or may be big or small.  For each, list the following:
    1. How did I deal with this challenge
    2. What new tools or allies did I uncover that I could use in the future
    3. How did my life change because of this challenge (even if it’s not yet concluded, what would feel good from the challenge in the end)
12. What was my favorite moment of 2021? (Get in touch with the sights, smells, sounds, who was or wasn’t there, what was I doing, what made it amazing?)
13. What were the gifts from 2021? What really stands out and mattered to me?
14. Is there anything from 2021 that I need to still let go of, say goodbye to or forgive myself (or someone else for) or just need to empty onto the page?

Summarize 2021 in 3 words

***

OPENING TO THE STORY YET TO BE WRITTEN FOR 2022

1. What am I looking forward to in 2022?
2. What am I feeling apprehensive about for the year ahead?
3. What life lessons am I taking into 2022?
4. What area of my life do I most want to develop in 2022?
5. What part of myself do I long to nurture in 2022?
6. Fast forward to December 2022.  I’m sitting in a café, musing over the last 12 months, where do I want to be …
   1. … in my work and wealth
   2. … in my relationships
   3. … in my free time and my sense of meaning
   4. … in my body and my home
7. 3 unhelpful beliefs I’m ready to release
8. 3 duties or commitments I’m ready to let go of
9. 3 interests, skills or hobbies I’d like to learn or improve
10. 3 things about myself I positively love
11. 3 ways I could be kinder to my body this year
12. 3 dreams to bring to life this year (personal or professional)
13. How can I bring more of a sense of calm and grounding into my life this year?
14. My secret wish for 2022 is …

My Blueprint for 2022:

This year will be the year I finally ….

I will nourish myself with …

I will make more time for …

I will recharge my batteries by …

I will open my heart to …

I will pay more attention to …

I will learn more about …

I will release my attachment to …

I will say no to …

I will say yes to …

And, because of this, in 2021, I will feel …

I fully believe in the possibilities that await me in 2021 and all that it holds for me.

Signed: _______________

***

The post Reflective Questions to Contemplate as You Turn the Page appeared first on Denise Logan.

I could plug in the names or faces of hundreds of clients into that vignette. Men and women. A parent has just died or a child’s gone off to college. A divorce has left her stunned and reeling or he’s just found evidence of a child’s drug use that has escalated. A sudden diagnosis with a prognosis that feels unspeakable. Or relief that it was a false positive.  A “downsizing” that came from out of the blue or the successful sale of his company. Word that the bonus he was counting on won’t happen or that it did, but there’s no one to really celebrate it with. We all need someone to walk with us as we carry the joys and burdens of our lives.

One of the early exercises I do with each new client is to ask them to take a simple inventory of the current state of their life. A circle like a pie, divided into 8 slices. A snapshot of how full each slice of life presently is … work, wealth, health, family, fun, romance, friendship and meaning. You can do it now, yourself, on the back of a napkin or a piece of scrap paper. No one else needs to see it. Shade each slice to represent how full it feels for you. What do you see?

Friendship is often the place that has slipped for many of us. It makes sense that the demands of life have pulled our attention into other arenas. We can be so busy working and caring for our young families and climbing the ladder, just getting through the grind, that we look up and somehow we are alone.

I was on the massage table yesterday. I’ve seen the same massage therapist for years. We’ve walked through divorces, disappointments and injuries together – his and mine. It’s an interesting somewhat faceless intimacy that has developed between us. Sometimes I’m the one who talks through the massage. Sometimes he is. Sometimes we’re so busy laughing about some ridiculous thing that we both end up coughing.

He worked out the knots in my back as I processed the betrayal of old friends who had lied about the sale of a house to me. I’ve heard his pain when his ex-wife took his kids away on his birthday.

Yesterday we spent the ninety minutes meandering through updates about my vacation and his daughter’s upcoming birthday party. But, I heard something in his voice, something hollow. No, that’s not the right word. It was, perhaps, jagged. Like I thought he might cry. I asked. He said, yes, he felt like it was right there. He’d been watching sad movies trying to see if he could break it loose. No dice. I was worried.

He sounded like a client I’ve been working with whose father died recently, the one who has been so lonely.

I asked gently about whether he was spending time with friends. He said, no, he’d lost track of most everyone while he was trying to rebuild his life from the divorce and was sure none of them wanted to hear about this latest pain. He was sure he’d worn out his right to just say, “I’m lonely and I need some company.”  Besides, dudes don’t cry with each other. They don’t hug each other. He said “I just want to hear my dad or a friend say ‘It’s gonna be alright, pal. I’m right here with you.’”

Last week I was lucky enough to have lunch with another coach and we were talking about the unique thing that happens when we are willing to drop into the quiet space of caring for another person. How that intense poverty of loneliness can emerge in other people. Sometimes, when we are willing to meet it with kindness and a simple act of quiet care, it can heal – even, just a little.

I am always struck by how much a small act can impact that loneliness – the common human condition – that we are each holding, as if we are the only one, as if no one else could or would step into it with us.

I came across a funny little YouTube clip of this Mentos commercial. In it, children “mentor” adults (via an earpiece) to make conversation with a stranger, something most adults would rather avoid at all costs. It’s adorable and restores the simple humanity to both parties. Really, watch it, right now and come back.  I’ll wait.

While the kids have adults ask cheeky questions like “Can I tell you a story?” and say things like “I like your hair.” What’s more amazing is to watch faces relax and bodies return to ease.

Admittedly, I’m a little bit of a social experiment myself, but for years I’ve made it my business to ask the names of people who serve me – the busboy who fills my water glass, the housekeeper who makes up my room – and to look them in the eye, to greet them by name as I thank them for doing the simple service that eases my day.

Sadly, sometimes, they look afraid when I ask their name – as if they are in trouble and are going to be reported for failing at their job. Sometimes they ask, “Why?” I meet their frightened eyes and tell them gently that I appreciate them, what they are doing, and extend my hand to say, “I’m Denise.” Almost always, they grin, their faces relax and they shake my hand. Sometimes shyly, sometimes vigorously. But, their bodies change. They are seen. Not spotted, but seen – acknowledged, appreciated. A small slice of humanity restored. For us both.

As the busboy fills my water glass, I catch his eye and say “Thank You, Daniel.” When I pass her in the hallway, I say to the housekeeper, “Thank you for making my stay so lovely, Ariella.” The groundskeepers in my community I know by name and sometimes stop just to tell them that I appreciate the way they care for the grounds and how the new flowers they planted make my home so colorful.” Over time, I often choose to learn about their families, their histories, their dreams. It makes my life full.

In the handful of restaurants I frequent, I know the servers, the managers, they sometimes come and sit at my table for a moment or two when I am dining alone. They ask about my life, they tell me they missed seeing me, I hear about their children, their lives. Not because they want something from me or because I want something from them – just simply because caring builds my sense of connection in the world and eases my existential sense of aloneness. I do it whether I will frequent that restaurant or hotel again or not. It brings my life and the people who are in it into focus.

What must it be like to work invisibly, to be in plain sight and yet ignored? Do you feel alone? Do you wonder if you matter?

It is amazing to me just how simply we can ease that sense of being alone. Yes, close friends matter. It is important to cultivate those friendships. Like any living thing, they need attention, care, to be watered and nurtured.

Perhaps you have drifted away from those friends. Your lives have taken other paths, you’re all busy. But, it is an act you can cultivate. With a simple smile, a simple greeting delivered with eye contact. With a phone call, a coffee, not with an email or a social media post or a like.  You really do have permission to care and to both give and receive that care all around you.

A while ago, I started carrying with me some small inexpensive glass hearts. I read a column about it and decided I would give it a try. I find one person each day to offer the heart to. I make eye contact, say “You have the most beautiful shining heart. I can feel it just standing next to you. This is for you.” And I hand them the heart – men and women.

I didn’t think of this, I read about it, and it touched me. What I’ve seen over time is that it can impact others in ways I couldn’t have imagined. It is a tiny token, a moment of feeling seen in their goodness.

Often my gesture is met with tears or an ask for a hug. It has changed me.

A client recently told me that he had decided to pull back from mentoring his team so much because he learned that their efforts weren’t going to be calculated into his bonus. He wondered why he should bother to invest time in their growth if it wasn’t going to count in his favor. I asked him to take on this task, to carry the hearts, to find one person each day to offer one to. To let his intuition guide him as to who. Can you guess what shifted for him? What could shift for you?

Yes, our work is important. Yes, working hard matters. Say yes, to allowing yourself to care. In fact, give yourself permission to care. Right now. We need you. We need it. You need it. More than you will ever know.

The post Permission To Care appeared first on Denise Logan.

He had sought me out to see if I had any ideas about how we could get his deal back on track, as one of the attorneys involved had brought me in on a prior deal and told him I was “A CEO Whisperer.”

I asked the banker a single question… “What Matters?”

***

At the same conference where I spoke with this banker, I had the privilege of spending time with some first time attendees. I offered to each of them that they could use me as “home base” during the conference. I told them, “Any time you feel out of sorts or don’t know how to begin a conversation with someone new, come join whichever conversation I am engaged in and I will readily introduce you to the person I am talking to. You’ll meet some interesting people.”

One of these new people said to me later, “Denise, you rarely start a conversation with a question about what that person’s job is or what their company does. Why?”

To me, that’s inconsequential small talk that doesn’t matter. People get bored with repeating news, sports and weather – or its business version … “What do you do? What does your company do?” They’ve already answered those questions several hundred times during the conference before they meet me. You can tell by the way their voice falls flat and their eyes glaze as they give their standardized elevator pitch.

You might be saying to yourself, “But that’s what we do at conferences, we try to learn about each other’s business. It’s business development that takes us to conferences, after all, Denise! I can’t afford to spend time talking to every person who’s there.”

I’m going to challenge you on that before we return to my conversation with the banker. How much do you actually learn about the other person or their company with that standardized line of questions about “what they do”? And, how long do you stay involved in a conversation with that person once you satisfy your ulterior, yet unspoken, question “Can I make any money from this conversation with you?”

One of the newbies at the conference said to me, “These firms all sound the same to me. It’s hard for me to really suss out how they’re different from each other.” I just grinned. He was like the child who said “The Emperor has no clothes!” He had revealed a truth that few wish to acknowledge. Most of our businesses are not really that different from our competitors.

The reality is that most of us are more inclined to do business with people we trust, with those with whom we have relationships and with whom our “what matters” aligns.

Through our carefull (it’s not a typo, I meant filled with care; not walled off, exploitive and deceptive) conversations, we have an opportunity to learn what matters to each other and discern with whom we will enjoy doing business.

I think I’m lucky that my business name opens the door to a deeper conversation. Nearly every time someone looked at my name tag, they would repeat back to me, “Chase What Matters. Huh, what matters?”

I live for those moments. The ones where we’re going to drop down a layer into something richer. It’s those conversations that are going to become doorways to relationships. Relationships are what drive our businesses. Without them, they are simply mechanical transactions, devoid of the essence of What Matters to either party. It leaves us stuck in roles, unable to bring our unique creativity to the equation of business before us.

If you check in with yourself, you can recall the differences between deals you’ve done when you were in a relationship with the other party and when you were simply a transaction to be done. How did it feel? Whose “what matters” ruled the interaction?

Learning What Matters

What matters to me? You’ve probably guessed, it’s depth. Deep relationships, conversations with substance, genuine connection and meaning. I’m wired for connection and service. But, before I can serve, I need to know what matters… to me and to the person I am about to serve. It’s no different for you and your business.

When I have the opportunity to reflect the question back … “What Matters to YOU?” … I’m often rewarded with a glimpse behind the façade. Often, what I hear is about their humanity and what gets in the way of them living the full life they crave. A deeper, meaning-filled life. The shallow “wants” fall away as we talk about What Matters to them.

That changes the interaction … immediately, we’re dropping into another space together. One filled with import and meaning. I always pause. As if we have our hand on the knob of a door and we are crossing the threshold of a room together, because that pause breaks the momentum of habit. It gives us a choice. That choice, the only choice we really have, is to be open or closed, to the meaning of what matters to each of us in what we are about to embark upon together.

Moments of meaning and depth define us. They shape our choices. They create new opportunities. But we must be open to a different kind of deeper conversation about What Matters as we become the authors of our lives or assist others in their businesses.

Applying What Matters to the Deal

The banker asked me, “Can you get this deal back on track so it will close?” I asked him if that was what mattered … and to whom.

I’m not clueless about the financial implications of having a deal not close. I get it, the entire deal team and all of its players have time, money and resources at stake in getting this thing across the finish line. But force alone isn’t going to make it happen, nor should it.

When I ask What Matters? I want to know many things – whether closing this deal, at all costs, even if it is to the detriment of their client, is what matters to him and the rest of the deal team. I want to know what matters to his client beyond this deal and what is getting in the way of it for him. I want to know where their mutual What Matters align – beyond just the financial elements – and whether we can get them to align in a way that will allow the deal to successfully close or whether everyone’s interests are best served by walking away sooner rather than later, without anyone feeling exploited.

The way we do deals leaves an imprint on us and our deal partners. It’s why understanding what matters (preferably, earlier rather than later) and being open to the deeper, care-filled conversations along the way is better for everyone involved. It leads to less strain, more satisfaction and better subsequent collaborations between deal partners. Facilitating those deeper conversations among deal partners is an art and it comes from a different place than the one we use in purely linear, “just the facts” deal making.

In my experience, this sudden curve ball in a deal typically means that there is an emotional need of the Seller that isn’t getting met. Perhaps he just got scared because he remembered watching his father die shortly after retiring and he can’t imagine what he’s going to do with himself after the sale of the business he’s spent his own life building. Perhaps he just learned that his dream of sailing around the world isn’t going to happen because his wife finally told him she has no interest in traveling away from the grandchildren. Perhaps his best friend told him he should hold out for more money and he’s afraid of looking like a chump.

What we know for certain is that What Matters, what really matters under the sudden curve ball, needs to be addressed. It probably ISN’T about what it looks like it’s about, either. And, the Seller isn’t going to tell it to someone whose What Matters isn’t aligned with theirs. Once I get to be with the Seller, to understand What Matters and we address the underlying emotional needs, then we can ferret out next steps toward resolving the deal.

And, if you don’t know what really matters to you or you don’t care about what really matters to your client, it won’t matter how many of those shallow networking conversations you have at a conference. No matter what your pitch is, eventually, others will recognize that the only thing that matters to you is forcing a solution that satisfies your needs. All that networking and business development will be for naught in the end and you’ll be left with the truth of your life and the way you conducted yourself – as a selfish player who didn’t really care what mattered to anyone else. I know you are better than that at your core.

We’re talking about your business and your life and those of the people who entrust their lives and businesses to you. So, do the work to get clear about what matters and chase that. I can promise you, it really is about more than whether you close this single deal.

The post Can This Deal Be Saved? The Art of Asking “What Matters?” appeared first on Denise Logan.