If we can’t step away from our jobs temporarily, how can we encourage our clients to step away from their jobs completely?

Even if it’s just for a few days, being away from your work can give you a glimpse into the future experience of your client who is facing retirement. You can put yourself in their shoes and empathize more deeply with the worry and stress they are feeling about being away from what has been such an important part of their life – work.

Let me challenge you – just for this holiday weekend – try it. Here are some tips:

Put your out of office message on, and live up to it – unplug. Turn your phone off and put it in a drawer. Tune in to the people you care about and the experiences you’re involved in. Don’t numb out by looking at email or scrolling through social media. Experience your life and the places in the day where you feel the pull of your phone to stave off boredom or uncertainty or to buffer difficult conversations with others.

Notice the excuses that come into your mind to keep you from doing this:

“My kids might need me.”

“I have a deal in the works.”

“How will I know what time the movie starts if I’m not looking it up on my phone.”

“Just a peek to check the right way to hard boil an egg or that recipe for a perfect …”

“I’m just clearing those emails out so I won’t be overwhelmed after the long weekend.”

Yes, I’m outing myself in these statements! I’ve thought of versions of each of them for myself.

Admit it, you have your own version of these “excuses” to stay plugged into work or your device, instead of plugged into your family or the moment you are actually in. And so does your client – in fact, it’s a big part of what keeps them from being willing to step toward exiting their business or retiring. In essence, each of these excuses are elements of FOMO (fear of missing out, for those of you who’ve never seen that abbreviation before!) and are indicative of how much you will struggle when it’s time to let go into your own exit or retirement.

Become the kind of Trusted Advisor your clients really need – one who has faced his or her own fears about these issues so you can accompany them through these very real and very normal elements of their transition.

You’re already a skilled professional, steeped in the transactional elements – now it’s time to get dialed into the very real emotional experience of the transition they are undergoing. Don’t just talk the talk, walk the walk, friends! That’s what will help you separate yourself from the hordes of other professionals who you’re competing with – the nuanced skills you bring that help create comfort for your client, so they can tell you what they’re really struggling with – and you can help them find solutions.

Every weekend I take a 36 hour “electronic pause” – either Friday evening to Sunday morning or Saturday evening to Monday morning – I unplug completely. No phone, no tablet, no Kindle, no computer, no tv. It helps me notice all the dozens of times my brain tries to trick me into using a device, instead of being present with the people and experiences in front of me. It also helps me to notice areas of my life where I can grow – other than my work.

It’s taken me time to develop the discipline to stick with this and I challenge clients to do a modified version of this as they begin to prepare for their exit. And, yes, every one of them resists doing this!

In one part of my book, The Seller’s Journey, the characters have to put their devices in a lock box before they head out onto the glacier. One of them has a big ol’ meltdown being separated from his device. It’s a metaphor for what our clients will face when no one is calling them on the other side of their exit.

Many of our clients haven’t even finished a full round of golf in years because they are interrupted with something “urgent” from the office. Many of you haven’t had a fully unplugged vacation – or even an uninterrupted meal! – in years either. My own experience with this practice of unplugging helps me to stay compassionate with clients’ struggles on the journey of transition away from their business and into their own version of “What’s Next?” My own experience with it helps me reassure them that the feelings they are experiencing are normal and there are solutions other than just delaying their exit or retirement.

Will you join me this holiday weekend in giving it a try? You might not go the entire weekend unplugged like I will, but even a couple hours will give you a profound experience of what your client might be feeling and allow you to help them get ready when they are worrying about falling into a Black Hole on the other side of their exit.

Let me know what you learn from your experiment with this.

The post Challenging You to Unplug appeared first on Denise Logan.

“Don’t let them know you are selling.”

I’m paraphrasing the actual post to keep the advisor anonymous, but the advice hit me in the stomach, and made me think back to my own exit. It was a crazy time, and I just needed advisors around me that I could trust…

Advisors that would point me in the right direction on the big things, while also helping me keep track of the little things. Telling my employees, partners, and even potential buyers the details of our impending sale was one of those big things.

It’s easy for us to automatically default to the, “Keep things as normal as you can and don’t tell a soul,” advice. After all, the slightest errant comment or “leak” could derail any deal… right?

We’re all guilty. Bankers, brokers, and lawyers tell our owners, “Keep it a secret or your people will leave, or your competition will take advantage, or let’s just not talk about THOSE numbers.”

I’m afraid our LinkedIn-posting-advisor (and our entire industry) has been doing it wrong

Look, I’m not clueless about the financial implications of not having a deal close. I get it, the entire deal team and all its players have time, money, and resources at stake in getting this thing across the finish line. But, lying (or failing to disclose) doesn’t work as well as one might think.

When we advise our business owners or buyers to lie, bend the truth, or fail to disclose, we’re letting our own fear run the show. We tell our clients it’s OK to sneak around, show the business in the dark after hours, get their bookkeeper to create reports under a false pretense, and create stories when key employees ask, “Are you selling?”

“Well, any business is always for sale at the right price.” Deflect. Lie. Deflect. Avoid. Lie. Deflect again.

Aren’t we exhausted just thinking about doing it this way? Do we really think it’s sustainable for us to keep up with these shenanigans? Employees always find out. The bookkeeping antics always shake out at the end of the deal. Our own conscience takes a hit.

Selling a business has enough complexity already. It requires everyone on the deal team to stay emotionally grounded, well-rested and in touch with their values. Adding in the wholly unnecessary drama that comes with concealing, lying, hiding information, and remembering what lie was told to whom makes it harder (not easier) for everyone to make good and timely decisions.

In fact, our bodies are hardwired to hit ‘pause’ when we sense deception in the work we’re doing.

Ever have a secret you’re withholding from someone? Even something as innocuous as a surprise party is enough to put us on edge… Our brain goes on high alert as the concealment gets deeper: “What was THAT look? Does she know? Be careful. Don’t say the wrong thing!”

That nervousness comes from our amygdala – the ancient tool in our brain that’s actively working to keep us safe. It helped our ancestors recognize when there was danger in our environment.

Unfortunately, the subconscious meandering of the amygdala also eats up mental, emotional, and physical bandwidth, making it difficult for our bodies to give resources to our “thinking brain.” Meanwhile, the to-be-surprised-person is also noticing your weirdness…and it’s tripping THEIR amygdala! “Hmm…so and so is acting weird,” or, “That answer doesn’t make sense,” leading them to pry even more. Next thing you know, both people are suspicious of each other…and we hesitate.

Sound familiar? Subconsciously, everyone involved in the deal process is feeling a certain level of fear. It only gets worse as we get further from the truth. That fear slows things down!

More importantly, I think we tend to forget that the way we do deals leaves an imprint on us, our clients, our deal partners, and the employees who are affected by the sale.

Employees are not pieces of equipment to be sold. They’re human beings who have helped build the business. The employee who gets duped by a lying owner carries that heightened suspicion into their future as well. It’s a vicious cycle driven by fear, and it ripples out into our lives. How ‘safe’ does the buyer really feel when he hears, “No – my employees don’t know yet.” Isn’t the buyer also thinking, “If you’ll lie to the people you’ve worked with for years (and allegedly care for), how can I trust you as a stranger buying a business from you?”

An owner will halt a sale because the buyer’s culture doesn’t align, or he doesn’t trust that they’ll take care of his employees…and yet, we stand idle while that same owner omits information (or lies entirely) to his team pre-sale. Is it possible that slamming the brakes on the deal is just the owner’s conscience springing things back in order because he knows it’s wrong to hide all of this from his team?

What happened to incentivizing our people and making them part of the selling process, so they have agency about their lives? And where does it stop? Will we also conceal buyer info and “ask for forgiveness later”? Will the owner or broker like it when they discover that the buyer also “protected them from the truth” about something on their side?

Let’s stop the madness. Bring back honesty, integrity, and humanity to the deal process.

Advisors – Be that safe, trustworthy, emotionally grounded guide of integrity for your clients and deal partners. Stop letting your fear run the deal and drive chaos for everyone else in it. Return our professions to the noble standing they deserve. Stop normalizing lying and deception and excusing the harm it causes.

Owners – Yes you want to sell your business, but you don’t have to ignore your moral compass and become a liar to do so. Choose advisors who are grounded in honesty and in their own emotional safety to help you stay settled through your sale so you can make good decisions AND feel good about yourself on the other side.

The post Don’t Let Deception Derail Your Deals appeared first on Denise Logan.

Last week I was listening to a great story on NPR about whether Founder CEOs have a shelf life.

It focused on the concept of transition as the Co-Founder of Peloton John Foley stepped down as CEO, and moved into the role of Executive Chairman. Foley led Peloton through its entire ten year existence and will be replaced by former Spotify CFO Barry McCarthy.

The story points out other cautionary tales of massively successful retail brands, like FitBit and GoPro, that both turned down opportunities to sell, because their founder wasn’t ready to let go. Eventually, FitBit sold to Google, but only after it lost market share to competitors like Apple, while GoPro went public only to see its share price become a third of what it was.

It made me think about what so many of our clients face when the founder hangs on too long, trying to keep leading when they should let go.

One client I worked with struggled to let go, even after having fallen ill and spending several months in a coma. While to outsiders it looked obvious that the interim leadership had successfully filled the gap left by his illness and there was no longer a role for him in the company, he struggled with the challenges of letting go when it wasn’t how he had imagined it would happen.

The very real question of “How do I let go?” isn’t one that is resolved in a single moment.  Like many significant questions in our lives, it is a process. He moved forward and then stepped back, again and again.

Listening to the NPR segment last week made me wonder and reflect about what that process had looked and felt like for Foley and for Peloton.

While the story that is presently being told about Foley’s transition makes it look like a smooth and seamless event, just a single moment of transition, it’s never quite as cut and dried as it seems.  One has to wonder how much back and forth Foley did behind the scenes that no one gets to see.  Like most founders, I wonder how he made the time to just slow down to even think about letting go, amidst all of the other responsibilities that come with running a company every day, and who his helpers were in coming to this decision.

On the surface, a founder’s reluctance to let go may seem that it’s about control, but sometimes control is what masks the bigger questions like “Who am I if I’m not the leader of this company?” “What if the company does better after I leave?” “What if the company struggles after I leave, will I be blamed?”

There are many public examples that affirm these founders’ fears. Bill Gates stepped down as CEO of Microsoft, only for co-founder Steve Ballmer to take the reigns. Unfortunately, Microsoft took a deep dive during Ballmer’s tenure as CEO, and it makes me wonder if another co-founder was the best person to take on the job of CEO. On paper, he sure seemed like the right fit, but it’s possible he was too close to the company to help provide the vision that it takes to grow. Being able to bring empathy to the unspoken fears founders struggle with as they contemplate letting go is what distinguishes you as a trusted advisor, instead of just another technician executing a transaction.

Bringing in somebody new to run a company can provide a unique advantage with a fresh influx of ideas. As companies grow, innovation is frequently what keeps the company afloat. When Microsoft was growing, their innovation was faltering, and the company took a great set back. Founders that created the company might think that they have the best ideas for the company-since the company was their idea in the first place-but we can remind our clients that sometimes innovation can also come from somebody else’s voice, with a different background and set of experiences.

Then there’s Jack Dorsey, the former CEO of Twitter who at one time was trying to be the CEO of Twitter and Square at the same time. How can we expect a founder to serve everyone well if they’re trying to do everything? As advisors, we can help our clients realize when they have spread themselves too thin. It’s common for owners to think they’re superheroes. However, it takes a trusted advisor to help them pull back when they’re overextending themselves.

It’s one thing to be a founder of a company, but it can be an entirely different thing to be a CEO and leader of a company. Our owners find out, sometimes the hard way, that they are not the ones best equipped to be in this position and it’s on us as advisors to recognize that there are a lot of feelings tied to that.

When you’re the best at one part of the job and you become CEO and then suddenly, you’re not the best at the job, how do you help them with the one identity that they have built? Sometimes they’re stuck finding that out themselves. How is it realistic to think that these people are going to come to these realizations on their own account?

Steve Jobs had to leave Apple the first time to be ready to be the leader it needed when he returned. He was a founder that found out the hard way at the time, he didn’t have the skillset the company needed to thrive. When he left, he gained more perspective and returned with a fresh vision for Apple that made it the global icon it is today.

Meanwhile, there are some leaders that have successfully managed the transition from founder to CEO. Examples like Mark Zuckerberg and Jeff Bezos come to mind, but, like NPR noted, these leaders are a rare exception.

Another client I’ve worked with has been in the process of an orderly multi-year transition out of the role of leading his company and, even with that well-thought-out and structured leaving (he, too, like the founder of Peloton, has moved into Executive Chairman role) it’s been an emotional journey.

Founders really do struggle with these questions of “When should I leave?” and “How do I let go?” They deserve the careful guidance of advisors who recognize that stepping away from something you’ve given birth to – like Foley has done with Peloton and like many of our clients will do with their companies – isn’t a one-and-done decision … it’s a process. There are so many emotions involved when they are so entrenched in their business. Their companies are their babies, the people that work there are like families, and often they think that they’re the best equipped to handle what’s happening at the company.

As I wrote in my article about the similarities between business owners and parents of college freshmen, there is an art to letting go. Much like how we need to let our children grow up, we must do the same for our businesses. If we coddled our children like we sometimes coddle our businesses, they would never be successful. They need time to grow up on their own, without their parents, and make their own way forward. As advisors, we can help our clients realize when it’s time for them to let go, before it’s too late.

The Seller’s Journey is a great tool for you to use to help your clients find when it’s time to let go. I encourage you to share it with your clients to give them an example of an owner that’s going through much of the same emotional journey they are going through. Together, we can help our clients do what is best for them and their companies, treating the process like a transition, and not just a transaction.

The post Helping Clients Know When to Let Go appeared first on Denise Logan.

In The Seller’s Journey, the business owner protagonist Marty plans a trip across Glacier National Park with his banker, his lawyer, his wealth advisor, his accountant, and the private equity buyer of his company one year after the sale of his business. 

Often people jokingly ask me, “Which one of them gets shoved down a crevasse on the trip?”

 Not to spoil the ending, but everyone comes back alive AND even closer than they were before the journey. As they cross the glacier, the characters relate the physical challenges they’re facing to the emotional obstacles they faced in selling Marty’s business.

Can your clients imagine going on a trip into the wilderness with you?  What would it mean to your business to have clients who would?

Read on to discover 5 tips for how you can become the Trusted Advisor every client wants to work with:

1.  A Trusted Advisor invests in a relationship, not just a transaction.  Relationships develop over time and the Trusted Advisor is in it for the long run – right from the very beginning – investing time and resources into developing a relationship with the business owner, not just solving the immediate problem, or closing a deal.  The Trusted Advisor knows the impact of what they are providing for this client will live long beyond this momentary interaction.

2.   A Trusted Advisor connects emotionally with their client, listens well, and seeks opportunities to understand them, their business, and what makes them tick.  Yes, getting up close and personal with your client, being authentic and vulnerable allows your client to trust you with their most important issues before they become problems.  The Trusted Advisor knows that this is the single largest transition in their client’s professional career and that attending to those unspoken worries makes all the difference.

3.   A Trusted Advisor is trust worthy.  How do you become worthy of your client’s trust?  By being reliable, available and always putting the client’s interests above those of the advisor.  It seems simple, but are your engagements structured in such a way that your client doesn’t have to wonder where your interests lie?  Will you always tell the client and the others in the process the truth, even when it isn’t necessarily what they want to hear?  Can they trust you to not be the yes man in the room? Not to play hide the ball or take advantage just because others think it’s ok to do so in their practices?  Would your favorite uncle or your mother be proud of how you show up in your deals and with your clients?

4.   A Trusted Advisor anticipates needs not just wants and is generous with information and quality introductions thinking “Who or what might my client need to know?”  The Trusted Advisor is more than just a vendor or a technician. He or she is a channel to other trustworthy people for their client. The Trusted Advisor knows that understanding what their client is faced with helps them get the client and the deal across the finish line with ease and, most importantly, without regrets.  The client of a Trusted Advisor will know he or she can come to them time and again to connect to other resources.

5.  A Trusted Advisor creates peace of mind for their client and becomes someone a client looks forward to sharing with others.  Far too many business owners have been made wary of the process from the horror stories of how nefarious characters in our industry have taken advantage of others.  The Trusted Advisor knows that helping their client feel at ease through one of the most challenging chapters in the life of their business – the exit – serves others well and leads to the kind of referrals that makes their own work feel satisfying.  That sense of ease and peace of mind is priceless, for the Advisor, the client and their referral partners

I wrote The Seller’s Journey from experiences with my own clients and other Trusted Advisors so owners could see and feel what it’s like, to know it’s possible to sell their company with integrity, humanity and feeling understood by their advisors.

Send them a copy of the book and then be your own version of that Trusted Advisor your client is longing for – and watch how easy it is to close trust-filled deals with ease.

The post 5 Tips to Become THE Trusted Advisor Every Client Wants to Work With appeared first on Denise Logan.

***

CLOSING THE BOOK ON 2021

1. What did I embrace in 2021?
2. What did I let go of in 2021?
3. What changed for me in 2021?
4. What did I discover about myself in 2021?
5. What was I most grateful for in 2021?
6. When did fear hold me back in 2021?
7. Where did I demonstrate courage in 2021?
8. What surprised me in 2021?
9. What made me smile in 2021?
10. What were my 3 most significant accomplishments in 2021? For each, list the following:
    1. The skills that helped me to make it happen
    2. How my life changed because of it
    3. What I learned about myself
    4. How did I celebrate/acknowledge (or, if I didn’t, how can I do it for future accomplishments)
11. What were my 3 most significant challenges in 2021? There may be more than 3, use the ones that come to mind first.  They may have tested my limits, my patience or may be big or small.  For each, list the following:
    1. How did I deal with this challenge
    2. What new tools or allies did I uncover that I could use in the future
    3. How did my life change because of this challenge (even if it’s not yet concluded, what would feel good from the challenge in the end)
12. What was my favorite moment of 2021? (Get in touch with the sights, smells, sounds, who was or wasn’t there, what was I doing, what made it amazing?)
13. What were the gifts from 2021? What really stands out and mattered to me?
14. Is there anything from 2021 that I need to still let go of, say goodbye to or forgive myself (or someone else for) or just need to empty onto the page?

Summarize 2021 in 3 words

***

OPENING TO THE STORY YET TO BE WRITTEN FOR 2022

1. What am I looking forward to in 2022?
2. What am I feeling apprehensive about for the year ahead?
3. What life lessons am I taking into 2022?
4. What area of my life do I most want to develop in 2022?
5. What part of myself do I long to nurture in 2022?
6. Fast forward to December 2022.  I’m sitting in a café, musing over the last 12 months, where do I want to be …
   1. … in my work and wealth
   2. … in my relationships
   3. … in my free time and my sense of meaning
   4. … in my body and my home
7. 3 unhelpful beliefs I’m ready to release
8. 3 duties or commitments I’m ready to let go of
9. 3 interests, skills or hobbies I’d like to learn or improve
10. 3 things about myself I positively love
11. 3 ways I could be kinder to my body this year
12. 3 dreams to bring to life this year (personal or professional)
13. How can I bring more of a sense of calm and grounding into my life this year?
14. My secret wish for 2022 is …

My Blueprint for 2022:

This year will be the year I finally ….

I will nourish myself with …

I will make more time for …

I will recharge my batteries by …

I will open my heart to …

I will pay more attention to …

I will learn more about …

I will release my attachment to …

I will say no to …

I will say yes to …

And, because of this, in 2021, I will feel …

I fully believe in the possibilities that await me in 2021 and all that it holds for me.

Signed: _______________

***

The post Reflective Questions to Contemplate as You Turn the Page appeared first on Denise Logan.

Advisors and business owners who feel honored to work with each other close deals at substantially higher rates and are happier with the outcomes, which leads to more high quality referrals – repeating the cycle of success again and again.

In The Seller’s Journey I tell the story of an owner who was so grateful to the advisors who helped him sell his business that he invited them to join him on an epic trip across Glacier National Park to celebrate his success. Along the way, they relate the physical challenges they face crossing the glacier to the emotional obstacles he overcame in letting go of his business without regrets.

What if you could cultivate those kinds of results in your own deals with just a few simple tweaks?  You can.

And, for the next three weeks, you can get copies of the book at 15% off so you can share it with your own clients, prospects and deal partners.  Grab your copies here.

For more on the science behind why that kind of gratitude leads to higher close ratios, more referrals, and greater satisfaction for everyone involved, read on …

Robert Emmons, the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, has been studying its effects on physical health, on psychological well-being, and on our relationships with others for more than a decade.

Emmons and his colleagues studied more than one thousand people, from ages eight to 80, and found that people who practice gratitude consistently report a host of benefits:

Physical

• Stronger immune systems
• Less bothered by aches and pains
• Lower blood pressure
• Exercise more and take better care of their health
• Sleep longer and feel more refreshed upon waking

Psychological

• Higher levels of positive emotions
• More alert, alive, and awake
• More joy and pleasure
• More optimism and happiness

Social

• More helpful, generous, and compassionate
• More forgiving
• More outgoing
• Feel less lonely and isolated.

The social benefits are especially significant here because, after all, gratitude is a social emotion. It is a relationship-strengthening emotion because it requires us to see how we’ve been supported and affirmed by other people.

Indeed, this cuts to very heart of the definition of gratitude, which has two components. First, it’s an affirmation of goodness. We affirm that there are good things in the world, gifts and benefits we’ve received. This doesn’t mean that life is perfect; it doesn’t ignore complaints, burdens, and hassles. But when we look at life as a whole, gratitude encourages us to identify some amount of goodness in our life.

The second part of gratitude is figuring out where that goodness comes from. We recognize the sources of this goodness as being outside of ourselves. It didn’t stem from anything we necessarily did ourselves in which we might take pride. We can appreciate positive traits in ourselves, but true gratitude involves a humble dependence on others: We acknowledge that other people—or even higher powers, if you’re of a spiritual mindset—gave us many gifts, big and small, to help us achieve the goodness in our lives.  That’s what we see playing out among the characters in The Seller’s Journey – they realize the success of the deal was dependent upon all of them and how they worked together.

What good is gratitude?

So what’s really behind Emmons’ research results—why might gratitude have these transformative effects on people’s lives and on your business success?

I think there are several important reasons, but Emmons highlights four in particular.

First, Gratitude allows us to celebrate the present. It magnifies positive emotions.

Research on emotion shows that positive emotions wear off quickly. Our emotional systems like newness. They like novelty. They like change. We adapt to positive life circumstances so that before too long, the new car, the new spouse, the new house—they don’t feel so new and exciting anymore.

But gratitude makes us appreciate the value of something, and when we appreciate the value of something, we extract more benefits from it; we’re less likely to take it for granted.  Like the relationships with our clients and our colleagues.

Gratitude allows us to participate more in life. We notice the positives more, and that magnifies the pleasures you get from life. Instead of adapting to goodness, we celebrate goodness. We spend so much time watching things—movies, computer screens, sports—but with gratitude we become greater participants in our lives as opposed to spectators.  Business owners and their advisors who are actively experiencing gratitude, are more engaged in the process of the sale.

Next, Gratitude blocks toxic, negative emotions, such as envy, resentment, regret—emotions that can destroy our happiness and often derail our deals.

This makes sense: You cannot feel envious and grateful at the same time. They’re incompatible feelings. If you’re grateful, you can’t resent someone for having something that you don’t or fear that they will take advantage of you. Those are very different ways of relating to the world, and sure enough, research has suggested that people who have high levels of gratitude have low levels of resentment and envy and are more collaborative.  Want less Seller’s Remorse and conflict in your deals? Cultivate gratitude in yourself and your clients.

And, Grateful people are more stress resistant. There’s a number of studies showing that in the face of serious trauma, adversity, and suffering, if people have a grateful disposition, they’ll recover more quickly. I believe gratitude gives people a perspective from which they can interpret negative life events and help them guard against post-transaction stress and lasting anxiety.  They’re able to see the deal to a conclusion rather than bail when things get tough.

Plus, Grateful people have a higher sense of self-worth. When you’re grateful, you have the sense that someone else is looking out for you—someone else has provided for your well-being, or you notice a network of relationships, past and present, of people who are responsible for helping you get to where you are right now.

Once you start to recognize the contributions that other people have made to your life—once you realize that other people have seen the value in you—you can transform the way you see yourself and trust the others in the transaction more.

Challenges to gratitude

Just because gratitude is good doesn’t mean it’s always easy. Practicing gratitude can be at odds with some deeply ingrained psychological tendencies.

One is the “self-serving bias.” That means that when good things happen to us, we says it’s because of something we did, but when bad things happen, we blame other people or circumstances.

Gratitude really goes against the self-serving bias because when we’re grateful, we give credit to other people for our success. We accomplished some of it ourselves, yes, but we widen our range of attribution to also say, “Well, my customers gave me this opportunity.” Or, “I had mentors. I had advisors, peers—other people assisted me along the way.” That’s very different from a self-serving bias or the myth of “the self-made man” (or woman).

Gratitude also goes against our need to feel in control of our environment. Sometimes with gratitude you just have to accept life as it is and be grateful for what you have.  We could use some of that these days, as so much seems to feel outside of our control.  For owners and advisors who react poorly to uncertainty, gratitude is a useful tool to restore perspective and balance.

Finally, gratitude contradicts the “just-world” hypothesis, which says that we get what we deserve in life. Good things happen to good people, bad things happen to bad people. But it doesn’t always work out that way, does it? Bad things happen to good people and vice versa.

With gratitude comes the realization that we get more than we deserve. Emmons recalls a comment by a man at a talk he gave on gratitude. “It’s a good thing we don’t get what we deserve,” the man said. “I’m grateful because I get far more than I deserve.”

This goes against a message we get a lot in our contemporary culture: that we deserve the good fortune that comes our way; that we’re entitled to it. If you deserve everything, if you’re entitled to everything, it makes it a lot harder to be grateful for anything.  Grateful participants are less selfish and more inclined to work toward win-win solutions for everyone.

Cultivating gratitude

Partly because these challenges to gratitude can be so difficult to overcome, how can we go beyond just occasionally feeling more grateful to actually becoming a more grateful person?

A simple gratitude journal exercise works – just beginning or ending each day or meeting with a simple list of three things to be grateful for.

At home, you can also use concrete reminders to practice gratitude, which can be particularly effective in working with children, who aren’t abstract thinkers like adults are. For instance, I read about a woman in Vancouver whose family developed this practice of putting money in “gratitude jars.” At the end of the day, they emptied their pockets and put spare change in those jars. They had a regular reminder, a routine, to get them to focus on gratitude. Then, when the jar became full, they gave the money in it to a needy person or a good cause within their community.

Practices like this can not only teach children the importance of gratitude but can show that gratitude impels people to “pay it forward”—to give to others in some measure like they themselves have received.

The way we practice gratitude in our personal life influences how readily we can cultivate it with our clients and deal partners, too.

Power up Your Gratitude Practice a Notch

I personally have a more direct practice – each time I purchase something beyond a basic necessity, I match that same amount for a charity.  I make the matching donations every month, instead of at the end of the year, to keep me in touch with the reality of all that I have and to keep myself connected to how grateful I am all year in little ways, not just at tax time for a deduction.

For example, I recognize that I’m fortunate enough to be able to dine out whenever I want, and that’s a luxury others who are struggling to feed their families don’t have.  So each month, I calculate the amount I spent on dining out and contribute that amount to a local food pantry.  If I can eat out, others should at least be able to eat that month.

When I take a vacation, I match that same amount to an organization that provides housing for homeless.  It’s a luxury to be able to leave my comfortable home and go somewhere else – others should at least be able to have a safe roof over their heads, no?

When I purchase a sweater or new shoes, I contribute that same amount to an organization that helps women prepare to re-enter the workforce.

You get the picture.  Even with all the challenges we’re facing in these tumultuous times – there’s a lot to be thankful for in my life and I’ll bet in yours, too.  Making these contributions monthly, rather than annually has helped me to become more mindful of all that I have instead of feeling miserly.  It keeps me conscious of the value of what I am spending money on, as I make decisions, rather than wondering where money went at the end of the year and thinking something selfish like “Oh, I can’t really afford to make a contribution right now.”

Because I’m making these contributions monthly, I’m more in touch with the abundance I have, it’s cultivating my gratitude much more directly and I’m happier with what I have.  It allows me to behave more generously with my clients and peers and, as a side benefit, I value each purchase I make more than I did before I undertook this tangible practice of both thanks and giving.

Each time I make a non-essential purchase, I ask how much I really want it.  Do I want whatever it is enough to also make sure someone else less fortunate has an essential version of my luxury?  I’ve found that I value the sweater much more, knowing that someone else also has something warm and lovely to wear.  I enjoy my vacation away from home so much more, knowing someone else has a home to spend those nights in safely. I enjoy my meal out, knowing someone else’s belly is also full that night.  It makes me look for ways to express that gratitude in my personal and professional relationships – to look for ways to ease the challenges others are facing.

This week (and in the ones to come) as you celebrate Thanksgiving and our upcoming holidays, know how grateful I am to be part of this professional community with you.  I hope you find many ways to Give Thanks and feel the rewards that come from living with gratitude.

And, if it feels right to you to share copies of The Seller’s Journey with your clients, prospects and deal partners, you can grab your discounted copies here through December 15th.

The post Why Gratitude Is Good for You appeared first on Denise Logan.

You know what’s scary?  Leaving.  Even when it’s your choice.  I know because last week I made a difficult decision to step away from an important relationship.  It was the right decision, and I didn’t make it lightly, but that didn’t seem to matter to my rollicking emotional brain.  In fact, it had me up at 3am – both on nights before and after I made and shared my decision. 

This experience reminded me of what our clients go through when deciding to sell and leave their businesses.  This monster is called Seller’s Remorse.  It kills way too many deals, but it doesn’t have to.

The monster under the bed: Am I making the right decision?

Change is hard, whether or not you’re the person who made the decision.  One person might be left wondering “What the heck just happened?”  Sometimes that person is also the one who made the decision.

Making decisions and adjusting to the change that follows can create a paralyzing fear that leaves us waffling, prone to indecision and often second guessing ourselves.  It’s our brain adjusting to what’s called Cognitive Dissonance.  You can read more on cognitive dissonance here but for our purposes it’s what happens as our brain is jumping back and forth between two different scenarios that it can’t reconcile.  At least, not yet. 

It takes time for our brains and our bodies to adjust to something new.  I’ve found myself waking in the night, doing the hard work of letting go of what was and aligning to what IS, without yet knowing what will be.  I’m missing the familiar and comforting routines, the regular contact, sharing news of the day and still reconciling to the reality that what I thought my future would look like will actually be different.

That’s what our clients go through, too.  If they’re not prepared for it, it can (and too often does) derail their deal.

Why the jitters?:  Cognitive dissonance is a very real effect of change but it doesn’t mean the decision was wrong.

I was talking with my college roommate on Saturday and heard a version of this same experience from her.  She lives in Texas and her daughter and son-in-law live in Colorado.  My friend and her husband have spoken for several years about moving closer to their kids. Their daughter had a baby this summer and the longing to live closer has become even stronger, as you might imagine.  Two weeks ago, they made an offer on a house near her daughter and the offer was accepted.  Immediately she was filled with both excitement and something she couldn’t quite name – maybe regret.

Within days of returning home, they had several offers on their old house.  It means they can get on with the good stuff in their new home right away.  But my friend is also sad about leaving the house that she and her husband put so much effort into making right for them.  She told me that she was struggling because she loved this house and can’t quite imagine not living in it.  She felt embarrassed that she was torn between being with her daughter and her grandson and the house she also loved.  “It’s just a house!” she tried to reassure herself.  Adding to her confusion is that she really likes the house she is moving to. 

This is classic cognitive dissonance in action – her brain is trying to reconcile two different scenarios … living in the house she thought they would stay in forever and living in the new house she also loves, closer to her daughter.  Her brain can’t yet reconcile the two different versions of her future.  The good news is that, eventually, and with enough care, it will.

Fear buster:  Letting go is a process, not a moment in time – even if the leaving is.

It made me remember a day more than two decades ago.  The last moving truck, filled with the furniture and files and things that had made up my law firm was loaded.  In my effort to spot the truck as it rounded the corner, I bumped my head against the window of my now-empty office.  I didn’t think I had hit my head that hard.  Then I realized it wasn’t hitting my head that had triggered the tears.  The business I had spent more than a decade building now belonged to someone else.  Someone else would care for my clients, my employees, the pieces of a business I had painstakingly curated over the years. 

“But, this is what I wanted,” I kept repeating to myself.  Yet I was still sad.  At the time, I found it hard to reconcile two conflicting feelings – relief and regret.  Even more feelings kept surfacing, demanding to be reconciled, creating even more cognitive dissonance.  Fear and exhilaration and sadness and uncertainty, sometimes even anger and shame.  I stood there second-guessing myself – even though one part of me knew with certainty that the decision was the right one – and the moving truck had already pulled away from the building.  The deal was done.

In the days and weeks that followed, I kept waking up in the middle of the night – confused and uncertain – having to remind myself that YES I had left my business.  I found the lack of routine, and the freedom it brought, unsettling – even though I had longed for those very things.  Some days I was thrilled and lounged about with my tea on the deck, so happy to not have to go anywhere or do anything.  Other days I roamed the house like a lost soul, or found it difficult to even get out of bed.

Thoughts of clients and employees drifted in and out of my head and I had to resist the urge to pick up the phone or jot a note about something to tell them.  Reminding myself that I was no longer responsible for them.  I wanted to just check in, see how things were, catch up with my peers.  But their lives and mine had gone in different directions and what we had in common was drifting.  They no longer needed or sought my input on things.  While I was glad I had exited my business, I was also questioning whether it had been the right decision.  Some days, I flat out felt like a crazy person as my brain whip-sawed between the two thoughts.

It took longer than I thought for this to settle down in my brain and in my body.  My body knew what time it used to get up, the route to the office.  It surprised me that sometimes I accidentally found myself driving toward the office that was no longer mine.  Recalling the rhythm of my old life, my brain and my body recalled that such and such date was when an industry conference always happened – one that I had enjoyed but no longer had a reason to attend.

Eventually, I settled into a new rhythm, a new life, actually happy – although occasionally one of those old thoughts would pop into my head surprising me. 

What Can You Do:  For the Owner, this is a Transition not just a Transaction

Because of my own experience, I remind advisors to stay focused on how this will impact their clients beyond just the economics and the importance of providing support as they transition.  I didn’t know that was what I would be feeling then.  In fact, it surprised me at the time that I felt what I did – and for so long.  Honestly, even knowing that this was likely, it continues to surprise me in the days after ending this recent relationship.  It’s likely that my friend will continue to be surprised by it in the weeks ahead as they pack up their house and move into the new one closer to her daughter.

One of the reasons I’m so focused on helping owners and their advisors remember that this is a transition even more than a transaction is because it’s so easy for advisors to close their files and move on to the next deal – leaving an owner all alone with these surprising feelings.  Too often, the advisors or family members and friends of the owner think that the enthusiasm and relief and accompanying financial windfall will be enough.  They seem perplexed by this emotional maelstrom that sets in, the malaise and ennui (and regret) saying “But I thought this was what you wanted!”

Yes, it IS what the owner wanted.  Just like my friend who wants to live close to her daughter and grandson.  Just like I wanted to sell my business and be freed of the pressures.  Just like you wanted your teenager to launch off to college, but still find yourself surprised that you need to set one less plate at the dinner table or miss stumbling over their lacrosse gear at the back door. 

If we’re not careful with this, when the 3am boogie man thoughts surface for our clients, they will accidentally kill their own deals to relieve the distress from the cognitive dissonance.  But they don’t have to stay stuck and we don’t have to let them navigate it alone.  We can do better – for them and for ourselves.  Feeling paralyzing uncertainty is part of the process.  Second guessing is natural.  Wanting to stay with what feels familiar makes sense, even when staying is the wrong choice. Feeling sad is normal.  Missing what was and forgetting that things are different now makes sense.  Yes, even when you’ve wanted what you got and got what you wanted.  All of that is true, and there is a gradual letting go … a reconciling of what WAS with what IS. 

I find myself missing my special person and know that, for a time, I am likely to still wake up in the night – surprised by the fact that I have forgotten that we’re no longer together.  Surprised by a sense of longing for what was and, yes, even surprised that I am surprised; sad while also knowing that it was the right decision.

How can you help? Endings matter, so prepare for it, stay connected – it’s in your interest, too

Normalize the experience, help your owners to expect it (and to also let them know that it’s normal to underestimate or even discount that they will feel this) just like it is normal to forget or to second guess a decision once it’s been made.  It’s a transition.  If you think it will help, give them a copy of The Seller’s Journey a business fable about how another owner navigated the emotions as he prepared for the sale of his business and throughout the year following his exit. Stay connected to them, help them and the people who will support them to also know what to expect – hiding the feelings or being ashamed of them leaves them stuck and alone.

Don’t forget that this cognitive dissonance also happens for our owners’ employees, customers, vendors, and family members, too.  Even for the deal team – there is an emotional process to go through to reach completion and closure – whether a deal concludes or crashes and burns.  Just closing the file, cashing the check or hosting a closing dinner doesn’t mean it’s “over” for everyone.  

Endings matter. Owners who get the support they need when things go bump in the night settle soundly on the other side and go on to live happily ever after and tell all their friends you can help them write their story that way too. And the advisors who learn how to navigate this process are rewarded with work that makes a difference in their clients’ lives and the referrals that prove it. Call me, I can help.

The post SCARY THINGS THAT GO BUMP IN THE NIGHT appeared first on Denise Logan.

***

It sounds like the beginning to a beautiful story. Yet, when Prince Harry announced that he was stepping down from royal life, the world seemed shocked.  So did the Royal family and their advisors.  But, should they have been?

If their very public drama was playing out in your own family business, which role would be yours? Queen Elizabeth? Prince Charles? Prince William? Prince Harry?  Or one of the many advisors who appeared equally surprised by this seemingly sudden (but all too predictable) turn of events in their client’s family and business?

Come with me as we peek behind the heavy velvet drapes and eavesdrop inside what I imagine as our characters’ private thoughts during this difficult chapter in one of the world’s oldest family businesses.  See if you can spot the similarities to the dragons silently lurking in the shadows of your own story.

***

THE QUEEN … Good grief, I had no idea I would still be running this thing after 70 years! I mean, I guess I should have realized I COULD be, but enough already!  I’m exhausted and frankly sick of this whole business and all the drama it seems to bring with it.  I thought it would be easier by now.

Maybe I could get Boris Johnson to convince Parliament to allow one of those private equity firms to just buy us out and leave all the money to charity to care for my people.  Fat chance of that happening!  I should have asked Winston Churchill to do it years ago, that man seemed to be able to get things done.  Ah well, it’s too late for that now. 

I guess I’m just going to have to accept that I have no choice but to stick it out at this point and reconcile myself to the fact that I’m going to die at my desk one day.  That seems to be the only way I’ll get out of this thing.

And, really, what else would I do with myself anyway?  I guess it’s not that bad and besides there ARE a lot of perks with this job.  It really IS good to be The Queen most days.

At least I don’t have to deal with what I hear those other leaders talking about colloquially as “succession planning.”  They act like it’s something new they’ve dreamed up when we’ve been doing it here for eons. 

But, really!  The way this whole plan was set up gives me no flexibility to decide WHO should come next. Oh well, at least when I’m gone I won’t have to watch what a dog’s dinner my son is going to make of it. 

But I do find myself lying awake at night wondering … Can I possibly hang on long enough to outlive that ninny and pass this whole business directly on to my grandson and that smart little cookie Kate?

***

PRINCE CHARLES … Good Lord, is that woman going to live forever???

I’ve been SOOOO good waiting for my turn all these years.  If I was King, there is so much I could have done by now.  At this rate, by the time I get to run the show, I’ll be so old, I’m not sure it will even matter anymore. 

I’ve spent my whole life just biding my time when I could have been doing something else that I really wanted to.  If I’d known I’d be waiting this long, I might have done exactly what Harry’s done, too. 

But why on earth couldn’t he have just TALKED with me about this before flying off the handle?  How was I to know he felt like that?  We could have found some way to create a role he might have been happy with.  It makes no sense, really.  He’s always known the way this was set up, didn’t he? 

That boy’s always been so hot headed and now that he’s made a big stink about things, it’s embarrassing. He knows better than to hang the family’s dirty laundry in public, we always handle these things our own way.   It’s bad enough we’ve had to deal with the blowback from my brother Andrew’s shenanigans with that nasty fellow Epstein.  And now Mother and I have to find ways to support both Andrew and Harry and keep all that money off the books.  Why couldn’t they have just continued to go along with the ways things have always been done?

I’m too old for all of this although I guess I don’t really have any choice. I’ve already waited this long, but man she seems to have no plans to ever give it up.  I feel bad watching my dad spend all that time alone.  It’s as if she doesn’t even realize what it meant that he gave up his career to support hers. They could be spending this time they have left together before one of them dies.  But she’s so stubborn about never stepping down just because Edward did it and it colors her ability to see what’s best for everyone.   It’s sad but no one should be left hoping their parent dies just so he can finally step into the role he’s been destined for his whole life! 

I wonder if I should find a way to set some mandatory retirement age so I don’t do that to my own kids?  Nah, I’ve waited so long already, I don’t want to cut my time short either.  I guess in some ways I’m just like her.  Besides, I’m sure I’ll be able to hang on to my marbles and do a good job like my Mother has.  What could go wrong?

***

PRINCE WILLIAM … It’s been pretty good being the Prince and, honestly, it’s been reassuring to know so clearly that I’m the heir apparent to all of this. 

My grandmother gives me a lot of latitude and the people seem to really like me, but it does feel like a lot of responsibility and pressure at times.  I probably would have chosen this role anyway.  But it’s a little weird to realize that I never even had an option and, even if I screw it up, there’s no real consequences – well, except, I guess if there’s a revolution, right?  But what’s the chance of that? 

Even though I’ve always been destined for this, and sort of “in training” my whole life, I hope my dad gets to run the show for a while before I become King.  It would suck for him to not have even gotten a turn after waiting all that time. 

I know he’s getting up there in age himself, but I could use a couple more years to watch how it’s done before it’s my turn, especially since it seems like people expect me to walk some fine line between keeping everything the same and modernizing it at the same time. Everything is changing so quickly right now.  Somehow, even though my grandmother was a lot younger than me when she took over, and I’m sure I’d do a great job, I think things were simpler back then. I can’t tell anyone but I kind of like that my role is more “ceremonial” anyway. 

Of course, I am bummed that Harry is gone but, really, we’ve all known he wasn’t ever going to fit in here anyway.  Now I won’t have to worry about all the sibling rivalry stuff I’ve watched my dad and my grandmother deal with. 

I really will have to think about how to prepare for something like that as my kids grow up.  It’s tricky though, right?  I guess I don’t have a lot of choice if I want this thing to continue on beyond me.  It’s easier to just choose George because he’s the oldest.  Still, I’m torn.

I’d kind of like to encourage my own kids to explore their passions.  I sometimes envy Harry for the freedom he’s gotten to just be himself.  I feels kind of cruddy to make the other kids wait in the wings their whole life “just in case” – especially since I’m starting to see that one of them looks like this is a better fit than the others.  But, I’ve got to find a way to keep them all in it so they don’t leave the family high and dry if we need one of them.  That’s probably why all those distant cousins are always getting handed titles and special assignments.  It pays to keep them around even if they are a lot of trouble to manage.

***

PRINCE HARRY … I feel so conflicted all the time. 

Of course, I’m thrilled for my brother Will and I love being an uncle.  I mean, those kids are so cute. 

I’m not even sure I ever really wanted to be King, but even if I did, there was no point in saying it.  Will’s always been the chosen one.  The “Master Plan” was never up for discussion in this family.  Sure, everyone tried to make me feel like I was a part of things, but it’s always been clear that there’s no real role for me here and I was just the backstop.

Will & Kate seem to have no limit on the number of kids they’re going to pump out and the truth is, no matter what I do, I just keep getting pushed further and further back in line.

I mean, it’s great to not have all the pressure on me like he has.  I’ve been able to pretty much do what I wanted and party with the girls and all, but no one really respects me either.  They just want to get close to my family and my influence … Hey, I wonder if that’s what it felt like for Uncle Andrew, knowing Will & I skipped ahead of him.  Oh, wait, he’s even behind my son Archie.  Yikes – he’s had it even worse than me.  I wonder why he never pulled me aside to tell me to be sure to get my own life and interests?  I’ve got to remember to do that for Charlotte and Louis before it’s too late.

Anyway, it’s been rough because, as I’ve gotten older, the family has all these expectations of me.  And now they have them of my wife, too.  For heaven’s sake, they even tell her how to sit and what color nail polish she can wear.  I’m getting sick of taking flak from them and from her on all of this. 

No one even asks what I want!  It’s as if I’m just some cog in their giant machine and they all assume I’ll do whatever they decide.  I’ve tried to talk about it a lot of times but it always falls on deaf ears.  All I get is – “That’s the way we’ve always done things.”

So, you know what? I’m OUT! I’ll show them I don’t need them.  I can be my own man! 

Uh-oh, maybe I should have thought that whole thing through a little more or gotten some advice first.  I wasn’t exactly sure what “financial independence” would look like in the real world and I never really developed another career because I just assumed somehow I’d always be part of the family business.  It’s kind of lonely and I miss some of the things I didn’t realize were part of the business and not mine.  Equally challenging is that being part of this family means there are some other parts of the business and the family that I’m always going to be tied to.  It seems I can’t fully cut ties with them even if I wanted to and there’s not easy way back.  It has been really hard to navigate and I don’t feel like I have anyone to talk to about all this.

***

We know that even fairy tales with glamorous royal characters and access to loads of elder statesmen as advisors don’t always have happy endings.  The truth is that what we’ve seen play out in the House of Windsor is not some novel problem that inexplicably confronts only empty-headed characters in a fairy tale.

***

Every family business, big or small, is filled with predictable emotional turmoil that, when it goes unaddressed, rears its head like fire-breathing dragons – all too often burning down the kingdom, scorching the earth and scarring generations in the process.  We don’t have to leave the characters in our own stories or those of our clients in the dark to fend off these dragons by themselves.

The choice is yours. Are you ready to learn how to bravely leash the dragons of unexpressed emotions and help your people live happily ever after? My book The Seller’s Journey can give you the language to begin those conversations and I’m only a call away to help you, too.

The post Slaying the Emotional Dragons Lurking Inside Every Family Business appeared first on Denise Logan.

Where have I been? The same place we’ve all been – at home! But, I’ve been in another place, too. A more introspective space, trying to make sense of all that is happening around us and how to find my voice and my own sure footing amidst the turmoil.

Like you, I entered this year expecting something completely different. I’ve been thinking a lot about how scary this time has been for each of you and for our business owners, the ones who were in the midst of selling their companies and the ones who were hoping to do it this year or next. Could you use some insights into how to thrive amidst this uncertainty and to make the best use of these pivotal moments?

Historically, I’ve used my regular column to bring perspective, usually sharing a story to bring context to the common struggles I see clients or audiences facing, to help inspire us to be the best professional partners we can be for each other in this industry that can sometimes pressure us to put process ahead of people.

Of course, I’m still writing in ways that can inspire or bring insight. Yet what’s also true is that some of my writing over this period has been even more personally reflective, some of it has been angry and some of it has been despairing.

I’ve been intentional about not emoting into this space we have curated together over the years just to get things off my chest. I have been really careful and thoughtful about not contributing to what has sometimes seemed like a noisy environment lately. So, over these past several months, I’ve found myself writing and then waiting. And, often, I realized that what I wrote last week or the week before seems suddenly out of date because the news cycle is moving so fast these days.

By way of example, I wrote a column about what family businesses could learn about succession planning from the seemingly abrupt and very public withdrawal of Prince Harry from the family business of the Monarchy. Remember that big story? When was that … ten lifetimes ago? Nope, it was just a few months ago. Of course it’s relevant, but it somehow seemed “the wrong time” to hit “Publish” as the coronavirus put lives in danger and all of our lives switched dramatically into lockdown mode.

I’ve watched many advisors and organizations splash out what feels like an avalanche of content in an effort to attract new business, to not be “forgotten” or to try to secure some semblance of relevance for themselves. Like me, you might have received invitations to hundreds of webinars and virtual conferences and Zoom events over the past couple of months – all promising to send me the replay link if I was too busy to attend. I soon found myself buried in unconsumed content that I was holding in folders on my server and felt like I SHOULD watch or listen to but felt ashamed that I didn’t have the time or emotional bandwidth to take in. Probably most of it was valuable, but still – it was A LOT and it kept coming from all angles like a cacophony of voices each shouting “SEE ME!”

I have been asking myself – should I give you columns that inspire you and give you hope amidst your own despair? Or should I give you practical tips about how to approach your clients and prospects about selling their business so you can keep them moving forward? Or should I write to you about navigating your own emotions about finding “what’s next” for yourself in such times of uncertainty?

I get it. As a small business owner myself, I’ve been anxious about how to stay in front of you. How to make sure that you remembered me and what I do. AND I’ve been really worried about seeming promotional, about checking my own motives and not being self-serving, or appearing tone-deaf. So, I’ve been quiet. Publicly quiet, that is.

I issued only two columns this year Let Your Empathy Be Contagious and Being The Best Damned Provider You Can Be – both designed to bring perspective to a time when fear has been rampant. I’ve also been thoughtful about which podcasts and conferences to address you through and have said “not now” to many. I’ve chosen to not just pump out content from a place of fear and instead to ask “what is the purpose of this and how will it serve YOU.” More is not better, it’s just MORE and can easily lead to a sense of overwhelm. I’m trying to make sure that what I am contributing to the conversations out there will serve to help you to feel more settled and secure in the way you approach your own clients.

Instead, I’ve been doing lots and lots of individual calls and personal outreach – really asking “How ARE you?” Then paying close attention to the answers. I think of the people in my network as caring partnerships in my life and wrote about this in The Art of Asking What Matters. So, when I talk to Laura or Tom and hear that their daughters are nurses, I hear the deep worry in their voices about whether their sweet girls will be safe as they are helping others. And, I make a note to check in with them just a little more often – not because I’m trying to stay top of mind with them, but because I want them to know their worries are top of mind with me.

When I talk with Marty or Ben, who are still grieving the loss of their son and brother Jon, and are on opposite sides of the country unable to see each other for months in the midst of their grief, I slow down and think about what they might feel when they read a column from me. Might they feel as if the world has moved on without them and that my “marketing” feels crass and self-serving in the midst of their pain?

One day I received a text from Lisa asking how I was and telling me how grateful she was to have exited her business before all of this happened. That made me think about Laura, who bought that business and I wanted to see how she was faring – it had to be scary for her, don’t you think? A new business owner in a high-touch service business with some big debt and a boat load of uncertainty ahead of her. I also reached out to Bob, the business broker on that deal, and to the lawyers who had been involved in that transaction, too. How were they each faring?

Other days, I thought about Jen or Gary or Lyon who I knew had each lost jobs early in this shutdown and reached out to see how I could help them stay connected. Same thing with a lawyer and a banker I know who each have immune-compromised spouses at home – how hard it must be for each of them to find a way to navigate the fine line between caring for the person most precious to them and satisfying their company’s need for them to be out there meeting new business to keep their concerns going. So, I reached out to each of them – not to see how they could book me to speak to their audience or to hire me for a deal that’s gone sideways – but to see how I might be helpful to them – to support them in this time of chaos.

It is these people, these conversations, the stories that came from each call, each Zoom meeting – these are the things I’ve wanted to write to you about – to help humanize this experience for each of us – to help us not lose sight of what really matters. Who are these people in your network? How are you connecting with them? Not just marketing to them?

Contrary to what you may have been told, our business success is decidedly NOT a numbers game and when we treat it like that and content bomb our marketing out just to allay our fears of missing out, we all lose out. Here’s a conversation I had with Katie Mulligan on ACG’s podcast Middle Market Growth Conversations about how to network better during this uncertain time. I choose to not treat my business relationships as transactions and, as a result, I can trust that I will be ok and work will come my way when the time is right. You can, too. Come back to what matters. We are creating the kind of business environment and world we want to live in with every decision we make – right now.

Make no mistake, it’s also been scary for me. Like you, I entered this year with great hopes. My book The Seller’s Journey had just launched, I was booked for 18 keynote addresses between March and June of this year (and we know how that turned out, right?) I’ve had to learn how to pivot in my own business – how to deliver keynote addresses by Zoom and still feel connected to my audience. I tried to think about who helped their tv audiences feel really connected and I decided to channel my inner Mr. Rogers and Miss Nancy (any Romper Room kids out there? Remember her magic mirror and how it made you feel seen?)

I’m not immune from the panic that can lead us to try to grab business or generate revenue, all in the hope that it will help us to feel secure. I wrote about this in my column Is Money Your Security Blanket? The tools in that article apply here, too. It makes sense that we’re scared about the future and grasping for security. Keep dialing in to the things that will really help you feel secure amidst all of this uncertainty.

One of the really curious ways humans deal with uncertainty closely mirrors the way we respond to loss. In many ways, we are all grieving right now. Just naming it as grief and normalizing our seemingly crazy responses to uncertainty can help to ease the process as I suggest in Grief, Loss & Owners on the Brink. Even in “normal” times, Sellers go through a grieving process when letting go of their business, so this is a timely read and one you’ll be able to use in lots of deals in the future.

I’ve been thinking a lot about how scary this has been for our business owners, the ones who were in the midst of selling their companies and the ones who were hoping to do it this year or next. They, too, are wracked with uncertainty and grieving the many losses we have all experienced. Imagine for a moment how it feels to them to be on the receiving end of lots of pitches to “choose me!” or to get a bunch of in-bound marketing that says “Now is the time to sell!” completely ignoring the uncertainty that’s brewing all around us.

I was on a call with two fellows the other day, one of whom was insisting “The market is the best it’s ever been!” and “Now is the time to act!” I recognized some of that as positive spin. I’m not saying you need to be Debbie Downer in your calls and meetings, but I found my trust in this person waning and my suspicion rising – because his insistence that now is the perfect time to act, felt more about HIS need to find and close a deal than it was about serving the needs and attending to the emotions of the client on the call.

Right now, trust matters – a LOT – and our clients and our peers are much more likely to trust us if we can dial down our own panicked need to move things forward for our own benefit and just tune in to what the others in the room are feeling. I know it seems counter-intuitive, but slowing down, calming your own panicky feelings and being transparent are the keys to moving a deal forward.

We are undoubtedly at an inflection point. The great part is that we get to decide what kind of world we live in moving forward. We don’t need to push and shove our way through this uncertainty and we don’t have to do it that way with our clients either.

There is a better way. Stay tuned, over the next several months, I’m going to share more of how to move toward a world where new clients seek you out because your prior clients were so happy that they send everyone your way and you can relax into trusting relationships with the other professionals, close more deals and stop worrying all the time about whether this deal will close or where your next one comes from.

If that sounds like the kind of world you’d rather operate in and you can’t wait to read about it here, drop me a note and I’ll clue you in on something I’ve been doing quietly in the background that’s changing the way deals are getting done.

Meanwhile, I’d love to know what you’re struggling with now and how YOU are faring amid all of this change. And if you’re not yet connected to me on LinkedIn or Twitter and that’s something you’d like to do – the links are below.

Add Me on LinkedIn

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The post Where in the World Have You Been Lately? appeared first on Denise Logan.

Right now, as I watch the coronavirus pandemic march across communities with all of its uncertainty, I’m struck by how similar this dynamic is to what I see playing out in deals every day.  It reminds me that one of the best tools to ease that panic is empathy.

Although I’ve coined my work as The Seller Whisperer because it’s been easy for many of the professionals on a deal team to name the Seller of a business as the problem child in the room, the truth is that I’m often whispering to everyone in the transaction.  My goal is always to help keep every member of the deal team emotionally grounded so that, in the face of inevitable uncertainty, they can make the best decisions with integrity, humanity and understanding.  It’s meant helping each person in the transaction understand their own needs, behaviors and emotions and to learn to exercise empathy in how they respond the others involved in the process.

Might you allow me to offer you a view into some of the patterns I see and the tools I’ve found helpful?  Perhaps you can use these in your own home and business to help ease the fear that is present in those you live and work with and serve right now.  And you might even see how to use these same tools to ease the natural anxiety that arises in your deals going forward both during and after this current crisis.

Uncertainty Creates Fear

Uncertainty taps into the most primal part of our brain, the amydgala – the fear sensor.  In my recent book, The Seller’s Journey, I have used a business fable – the story of a business owner and his advisors as they navigate the parallel obstacles of crossing a glacier and selling his business – as a metaphor to highlight the ways emotion-fueled obstacles can derail deals.  It’s designed to help advisors and business owners avoid the most significant cause of deal failure – Seller’s Remorse. 

Its lessons are likewise applicable to taming the current fear we are facing.

Each of the characters in the story (the business owner, his banker, his lawyer, his financial advisor and the buyer of the business) learns to recognize the unique ways they address uncertainty, as they move through the story, developing new effective ways to calm the anxiety in themselves and each other so they can safely make it to the other side.

I wrote the book because I watched too many deals fall apart because of unspoken fears and unaddressed emotions.  And, in the fraction of deals that did actually close, I was stunned to see how often the sellers, the buyers and the deal professionals emerged battered and traumatized by the process.  I knew that it didn’t have to be that way.  Just like I know that there’s more we can be doing to support each other to thrive during this pandemic.

Since each of us is wired differently to respond to primal fear and have developed unique ways to soothe ourselves in the face of it, recognizing when fear is present and understanding how we’re each responding in the face of it allows us to slow down our reactions and choose how we respond, rather than letting the amygdala hijack the thinking part of our brain.

Notice how the uncertainty around the coronavirus may be tripping your own fear and pay attention to the ways you have been trying to calm yourself.  Then ask whether you use any of those same coping mechanisms when you’re involved in a stressful transaction.  Understanding how YOU react to anxiety, stress and fear is the first part of the work I do with clients and you’ll watch the characters in my book learn it about themselves.

Not surprisingly, because we are social beings, our amygdala is finely tuned to pick up the fear that comes from others.  So notice how, when your anxiety spikes, your behavior can escalate the reactivity of those with whom you are in contact.  And, by contrast, how understanding your own fear-based responses but choosing to calm yourself first, can produce a different response in those around you.

I’m not suggesting that we pretend we’re not afraid.  In fact, research consistently shows that when we think something is being concealed from us, our fear (and the coping response that goes along with it) escalates.  That’s why I work hard to have parties in a transaction bring all the facts into the room, instead of concealing negative information from each other.  Most people will say they can deal with whatever happens, but they want to know what the facts are so they can make the best decision.  Isn’t that why you’ve been hitting refresh on your browser lately searching for answers about coronavirus? Sometimes, just acknowledging that something uncertain has happened and that it’s tripped your own fear can calm everyone in the room by acknowledging that it’s happened, even if you don’t yet know how to resolve it. 

Look around you during this time of uncertainty and see how the people you observe are reacting.

Some people are filled with panic that there seems no where to flee from this invisible threat and that their very lives (or livelihoods) are in danger.  Others are in denial that it’s a problem at all.  Some are frozen in place in front of their news feed searching for answers.  Some are defiant to any suggestion that they will need to change from “business as usual”.  The inexplicable stockpiling of toilet paper is actually a natural reaction from the many who feel that they just need to “DO something!”

Which one are you?

What CAN You Do?

All of these natural reactions arise in the face of a threat that leaves us feeling helpless.  I’ve seen it play out hundreds of times in deals when the advisor sends “one more email” to nudge a recalcitrant party to take action because the advisor’s own fear is spiking, not because the person receiving the email doesn’t already know what they need to do.  Or when an attorney insists on inserting a vast array of protections against all of the things that “might” go wrong, whether or not any of those disasters in his “parade of horribles” is likely to actually occur.  Or when one party makes repeated urgent calls which another party simply ignores and refuses to answer, as a way to send the unspoken message to stop over-reacting.  Can you notice the difference between when you are acting to soothe your own distress and when you are actually helping?

One of the reasons the coronavirus is distressing to so many of us right now is that there is so much unknown and this threat is unfamiliar. Can you see how that is the same way our clients feel when selling their business?  The process of selling their business is unfamiliar and much of what happens leaves them feeling vulnerable and exposed to unknowns.

One of the most important parts of navigating this coronavirus outbreak (like navigating the sale of a business) is having good advisors who are self-aware, transparent and who genuinely care about the person they are advising more than their own self-interest. 

The Seller’s Journey is designed to help you to be THAT kind of helper – as an advisor, read it and see how to recognize and slow your reactions and elevate empathy in your deals.  Then, send a copy to every owner you’re working with or every prospect you’re building a relationship with.  It will help to normalize the unspoken fears your owner is struggling with – the ones that keep them from engaging with you and from harvesting the wealth they’ve built in their life’s work. 

I know many of you are anxious that your deals may be in trouble, or that the prospects you’ve been courting all seem frozen or panicked or your pipeline is drying up.  Your face to face time has been sharply limited and you want to DO something. Instead of just pushing them to sell, send them a thoughtful personal note and include a tool like this book to build trust and rapport, to deepen your relationship with them, by showing that you understand what they might be struggling with as they contemplate or navigate the sale of their business.

Psychological Preparation is Important

Pandemics are scary. The spread of the coronavirus within the US and abroad presents a significant disruption to many people’s lives, a health crisis for some smaller number of people, and a deadly tragedy for a still-smaller number. 

For an owner preparing to sell his or her business, the process of the deal can feel like this kind of existential threat.  We even use language like “the deal is dead”.  To a business owner, the disruption a deal process brings to their regular routine and the intense uncertainty of what waits on the other side for them and their family kicks up this same kind of fear.

In the face of uncertainty around the spreading virus and the distancing measures that we are being asked to take, it helps to be a little psychologically prepared for the possibility that life will be very different for a period of time. Processing that possibility now can help us get over the surprise of that, to some extent, before it happens.

The same is true for our owners.  Helping to normalize the emotions they’re likely to feel, not just the logistics of the sale, helps to ease the surprise of it to some extent before it happens. 

We can help our owners by helping them to prepare psychologically.  But we can only do that if we also understand our own reactions as members of the deal team and how our emotional reactions contribute to the uncertainty and chaos in a deal.  Otherwise, we’re likely to shame our owners when their emotions flare or try to force our own agenda when we’re the ones who are anxious, causing lasting harm in the process.

What You Do During This Uncertainty Can Help Ease What Happens Later

A normal part of dealing with uncertainty is called an ‘adjustment reaction’ — that is, the stress, hypervigilance, obsessive reading about a crisis, imagining its effects on your family, and worrying.  It’s a step that is hard to skip on the way to the new normal. 

Many of us are experiencing this around the virus. Can you recall a time in a transaction when a buyer or seller was doing similar things?  Hassling you about when closing will happen?  Texting or calling you obsessively about a seemingly minor thing or something clearly out of their control.  Have there been times when you’ve suffered that same fear?  Obsessive worrying about whether a deal would close and the consequences to your own economic bottom line?

Going through it before a crisis is full-blown is more conducive to resilience, coping, and rational response than going through it mid-crisis. 

For many of us, professionally, we’ve been through the ups and downs that go along with a deal.  In fact, I’ve heard more than one professional tell me that every deal dies seven deaths before it closes.  Unfortunately, for our owners, they haven’t been through this process before.  To them, each time the process hits a point of uncertainty, their fears spike – and that’s normal.

The way we handle their fears and their emotional reactions can help spread empathy and care or it can fan the flames of panic, especially if we also push them, dismiss their understandable fears, avoid their calls or shame them.  Often I hear a banker, a broker or a lawyer or financial advisor tell me that a big part of their job is playing part-time psychologist/babysitter.  Sadly, too many of those same people haven’t taken the time to look at how their own emotional reactions are contributing to the chaos and uncertainty for their clients. 

So be forgiving of yourself if you’re having an “adjustment reaction” right now or if your friends and loved ones and clients are. The spread of the coronavirus will be genuinely disruptive, difficult, and for some people dangerous. Taking real steps to mitigate the effects it will have on you or your family isn’t a silly thing to do — it’s a responsible one.  You can practice this same approach with your clients, your prospects and your deal partners.  Help them make sense of what they’re experiencing and the natural fear it creates and how to prepare for when the deal market does allow them to consider selling their business.  This time and how we use it is valuable.

We can take the lessons we learn from dealing with this uncertainty and use it to bring awareness to our own reactions and empathy for the sometimes-less-than-helpful coping reactions we see our clients and deal partners using.  By bringing that self-awareness to our own needs, behavior and emotions and using it to build empathy for the others involved in the process, we can help even more owners make it all the way to the finish line, with integrity and humanity.  In the interim, you’ll be making things a little better for everyone.  We need you to.

After all, we’re all in this together.

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You can purchase a single copy of The Seller’s Journey here or email me for discounted bulk order pricing.

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